October 2012
16 posts
2 tags
SON: Approach the one that smells like your MOM!
Uh oh. She doesn’t look too good.
==> (Suggestions Open!)
3 tags
SON: Approach the one that smells like a cat
No! That is a terrible idea! You are a MOUSE - whatever that means - and CATS eat MICE! Your ingrained instincts tell you not to go that way.
> SON: Approach the one that smells like your MOM!
4 tags
SON: Investigate!
Wow, it feels like you haven’t been out of your POKéBALL in well over a year! But of course that’s ridiculous, as you are still less than a day old. But your SENSE OF SMELL is already top notch, and you sniff a number of suspicious stenches in the nearby area! But which one should you investigate first?
5 tags
JOHN: Be the brave one
ok here, i will prove that there is nothing scary out there! i will send son to investigate, and then you can stop crying like a stupid baby that poops in its diapers.
WHAT THE FLYING FUCK IS A BABY?
> SON: Investigate
5 tags
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she just said she had some business to attend to. i am sure she’ll be back soon-
WHAT THE FUCK WAS THAT?
what the fuck was what?
THAT AWFUL STRANGLED NOISE! DON’T TELL ME YOU DIDN’T HEAR IT.
oh that! probably just a wild pokemon or something. it’s not really that big of a deal
WHAT DO YOU MEAN “IT IS NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL?” THERE WAS STRAIGHT UP...
5 tags
VRISKA: Transform!
Ah, yes! You can feel the power of the MYSTERIOUS VIAL overtake you! You feel a sort of PRIMEVAL CHANGE happening right in your gut! Surely you are now about to become more powerful, powerful enough to rule the hole galaxy! Hey, wait a sec-
OK, that’s not almighty power, that’s just nausea. Maybe you should refrain from drinking things from mysterious green vials from now on.
...
6 tags
MYSTERIOUS EYES: Very well. Carry on
You continue to spy on KARKAT, using your HEIGHTENED FELINE HEARING to aid you in your on-going surveillance mission.
LOOK WE HAVE BIGGER PLANS THAN YOU. PLANS SO BIG YOUR MEASLY HUMAN THINKPAN CAN’T EVEN BEGIN TO COMPREHEND THEM WITHOUT SHITTING ITSELF.
oh yeah? then tell me! i bet that humans are not as dumb as you think we are.
I COULD TELL YOU BUT THEN I’D HAVE TO KILL YOU.
...
5 tags
MYSTERIOUS EYES: Be distracted from the impurrtant...
But that’s impossible! Watching KARKAT at all times is your very impurrtant mission! And you are definitely never going to be distracted from that, no matter what!
> MYSTERIOUS EYES: Very well. Carry on
1 tag
VRISKA: Read the JOURNAL
You suddenly don’t understand anything.
> MYSTERIOUS EYES: Be distracted from the impurrtant mission by KARKAT
4 tags
VRISKA: Drink a MYSTERIOUS VIAL
That was a really dumb idea! What if that mysterious liquid was radioactive? Better check that journal to make sure.
> VRISKA: Read the JOURNAL
4 tags
MYSTERIOUS EYES: Be watching
You are pawlways watching! There is surely nothing in the world that could distract you from your very impurrtant job here!
==> (Suggestions Open!)
2 tags
VRISKA: Open PACKAGE
Inside the box there appears to be 2 MYSTERIOUS VIALS and a RESEARCH JOURNAL. And you’re no scientist, but you’ve got to admit this looks preeeeeeeetty promising.
> MYSTERIOUS EYES: Be watching
3 tags
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YOU DON’T GET THAT LUCKY WITH MOST OF MY SPECIES.
wow, karkat. that was the lamest story i’ve ever heard!
SHUT THE FUCK UP.
==> (What could be in that package?)
6 tags
I’M HERE ON A MISSION FROM THE FUCKING QUEEN BITCH HERSELF. I WAS GIVEN THE POWER AND PRIVILEGE OF KEEPING THIS WORTHLESS PIECE OF PLANET UNDER CONTROL WHILE SHE GOES OFF TO CONQUER MORE GALAXIES. I HAVE RESPONSIBILITIES! I COULD GET YOU AND ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS CULLED IF I FEEL LIKE IT, BUT LUCKY FOR ALL OF YOU I AM A MERCIFUL AND WISE LEADER WHO ALSO KNOWS HOW TO TELL A FUCKING STORY.
...
2 tags
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CLEARLY YOU DON’T EITHER.
whatever! you’re just a dumb alien with short nubby horns. i bet you don’t even have any good stories about your life because it is so boring!
OK FIRST OFF, LAY OFF THE HORNS. AND SECOND, THE FACT I’M AN ALIEN CLEARLY MEANS THAT I ALREADY HAVE A MORE INTERESTING LIFE THAN YOU DO. YOU DIDN’T EVEN LEAVE YOUR FUCKING HOME TOWN UNTIL THIS...
4 tags
JOHN: Finish telling your best story to KARKAT
and it was THIS BIG! that’s really big for a magikarp, karkat! it’s like in the top 1% of magikarp size. anyways so it got away that time but exactly a year later i just found the same magikarp for sale in a pokemart. and i was like “wow that’s a killer deal” so i got vriska to lend me some money and then i bought it. and that is the story of how i got nic cage!
...
September 2012
17 posts
5 tags
Where indeed...
==> (Suggestions Open!)
5 tags
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Where in the DEVIL-FUCKING DICKENS is my PACKAGE?
> Where indeed…
1 tag
PERSPECTIVE: Let's be somebody else!
Who could be looking out a window so forlornly at this time of evening?
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4 tags
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> Be Somebody Else?
1 tag
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3 tags
CD: Follow!
You don’t want get left behind!
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3 tags
DD: After them!
Yeah, great. Looks like the kids still have your hat. Your PARTNER IN CRIME might have his back, but you decide to keep following them. Just in case.
> CD: Follow!
1 tag
TEAM IRONIC PUMPKIN PSYCHO-ANALYZERS: Time to blow...
And there’s the exit! Wow, it looks like the sun’s beginning to set too! You’ve sure done a lot over the course of one day! Maybe once you get to the next CITY it will be time for a hard-earned rest.
> DD: After them!
5 tags
TEAM IRONIC PUMPKIN PSYCHO-ANALYZERS: Reap your...
You can hear the sobbing of a broken FOSSIL collector behind you as you depart.
> TEAM IRONIC PUMPKIN PSYCHO-ANALYZERS: Time to blow this joint!
2 tags
TEAM IRONIC PUMPKIN PSYCHO-ANALYZERS: Survey your...
The FOSSIL MANIAC dumps his hard-earned FOSSILs on the ground before you, and they seem to be conveniently numbered in hovering white letters. > So who gets what?
3 tags
FOSSIL MANIAC: Accept your defeat
Oh, my. You are much more powerful THIEVES than I was expecting! I dare say that you have earned possession of one of my hard-earned FOSSILs!
yeah one for each of us
Excuse me! I only offered one FOSSIL as compensation for my DEFEAT!
sure but youre out of pokemon and we got a demonic pikachu on our side so its not like you have any bargaining power and honestly considering you nearly...
3 tags
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Victory at last! It sure is helpful to have an over-leveled POKéMON around!
==> (Suggestions Open!)
3 tags
PIKACHU: Be Super-Effective
As if that were even a problem.
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2 tags
CD: Be observant for once in your life
Oh look!
A hat!
==> (Suggestions Open!)
4 tags
JADE: Issue Commands
ok, dirtdigger! we need to slow that bird down! use sand attack!
DirtDigger barely survives the next attack, while buying time for ROSE to switch out to her PIKACHU off-screen.
> CD: Be observant for once in your life
5 tags
Battle: Commence
Just as ROSE commanded, the two weaker POKéMON are dealt with quickly. Unfortunately, the real threat is still present.
shit
==> (Suggestions Open!)
5 tags
ROSE: Take command of the situation
You do so. You’re aware that both DAVE and JADE are new trainers, and that they might be a bit intimidated by the giant prehistoric flying monster set against them. But you? You’ve been in worse scrapes before.
We need to start by evening the odds to three to one. Olgogoth, use absorb and take out the Slowpoke. Jade and Dave you two work on the Diglet. uh, right! yeah ok...
February 2012
3 posts
3 tags
THIRD POKéMON: Appear
houston we got a problem
==> (Suggestions Open!)
4 tags
IRONIC PUMPKIN PSYCHOANALYSTS: Check out FOSSIL...
Yeah, see? They look absolutely pathetic. And with OLGOGOTH’s type advantage, this should be a cinch. But wait, hold up… wasn’t there a third POKéBALL?
> THIRD POKéMON: Appear
5 tags
IRONIC PUMPKIN PSYCHOANALYSTS: Choose your...
Could there even be a better team than this? Well, yeah probably. But it’s not like this guy is going to have anything good, right?
> IRONIC PUMPKIN PSYCHOANALYSTS: Check out FOSSIL MANIAC’s POKéMON
January 2012
4 posts
4 tags
JADE and ROSE: Help!
Perhaps we might be of assistance?
yeah!! if you want to go through dave then you have to go through us!
wow thats almost as lame as that guy
Do you want our help or not?
well yeah of course i mean im not dumb i dont want to be outnumbered i would just like it without the lame catchphrases
Looks like a battle is almost afoot!
> IRONIC PUMPKIN PSYCHOANALYSTS: Choose your POKéMON!
2 tags
FOSSIL GUY: Defend your turf!
I know your true motives, THIEF! And I will do all in my power to stop you!
wow lame
Silence! Let the battle commence!
come on seriously i dont even have three pokemon on me right now how am i supposed to defend myself properly
That is not my problem!
> JADE and ROSE: Help!
5 tags
PERSPECTIVE: Surely The IRONIC PUMPKIN...
You there! Don’t even think of stealing my FOSSILS! I am on to your clever tricks! You cannot fool me!
dude i dont care about your fucking fossils we just want to get through this stupid cave youre blocking the only path out of here get out of our way
You are just saying that so that you may trick me! I am not going to let you pass! I dug all of these FOSSILS up by myself! You...
6 tags
KARKAT: Ask JOHN or VRISKA for help!
No way. You are not asking the two of them anything. Especially not when they’re acting like two lovebirds. Just listen to them!
so the next city over is cerulean city, right?
You’ve got it!!!!!!!! I know the gym leader there too. She’s not as good as me, 8ut she is still pretty powerful! We will need to get 8ack on training immedi8ly if you even want a shot at 8eating her!
...
December 2011
15 posts
2 tags
KARKAT: Give your ITEMS to JOHN
That is actually a very good idea! That way, if they are illegal, he’ll be the one to get the blame for it! You are undeniably brilliant, which is why you should be the leader of your friends, and not just stuck in the first gym like an imbecile! …Unfortunately, you do not actually know how to transfer items. You don’t even know how to get them out of the PC, to be honest. This...
2 tags
TEREZI: Throw the phone into the lava!
You do so. You now no longer have bearing on the plot, because you are stuck here watching this volcano, waiting for something to happen, and you have just thrown away your last source of communication. We have it on good authority that nothing will happen here for a while. You are about to get very bored. Way to go.
> KARKAT: Give your ITEMS to JOHN
4 tags
PERSPECTIVE: Be TEREZI
You are now TEREZI. You are hanging out by a volcano somewhere, just as you have been since you last had the perspective. Alright, so you may have lied to SOLLUX about you dropping by KARKAT’S GYM in person. But you have your sources.
GC: GOOD WORK N3P3T4 GC: 1 4M HON3STLY 1MPR3SS3D TH4T YOU TR4CK3D H1M DOWN TH4T QU1CKLY
AC: :33 < *the stealthy kitty ninja purrs and rubs up...
2 tags
KARKAT: Check what CRABDAD bought you
Just a bunch of random shit, as usual. You’re not even sure what in this list is new, to be honest. You don’t ever use anything he buys you because you’re scared it might be illegal or something. Speaking of illegality, you’re a little put off by what SOLLUX mentioned about TEREZI knowing what you’re up to. What was up with that?
> PERSPECTIVE: Be TEREZI
5 tags
KARKAT: OK, Now Sollux
Great, now what on earth could he want?
twinArmageddons [TA] trolled carcinoGeneticist [CG] TA: 2o ii heard you ran away from your gym leader dutiie2. TA: niice goiing.
CG: THAT IS AN UGLY RUMOR. CG: HOW THE HELL DID YOU HEAR SO QUICKLY?
TA: tz told me. TA: apparently 2he dropped iin on your gym and iit wa2 clo2ed becau2e you lo2t two 2ome human2?
CG: WAIT I DIDN’T LEAVE THAT IN THE...
4 tags
KARKAT: Respond to CRABDAD first
Might as well. He tends to get antsy if you don’t respond for a while. You’re not really sure when he learned how to work a computer, but you suppose that with no you around to take care of, he’s figured it out somehow. As you understand it, lusii get bored without trolls to take care of. It’s convenient for keeping in touch with him, at least, even if he tends to make a...
5 tags
KARKAT: Check your HAND-HELD MESSAGING DEVICE!
Wow, looks like two douchebags have decided to bother you at the same time! It’s just your lucky day.
> KARKAT: Respond to CRABDAD first
4 tags
PERSPECTIVE: Oh, let's be KARKAT too!
You would rather not be KARKAT, because KARKAT is stuck watching as VRISKA forces her new human pet to cosplay her, which is a sight that nobody should be forced to endure. But you guess you’re stuck being you now. Too late. Well, at least somebody is pestering you on your HAND-HELD MESSAGING DEVICE so you have something to distract you from this display of idiocy. Now who is it?
>...
4 tags
PERSPECTIVE: Be JOHN and VRISKA!
oh, wow, you’re right vriska! this new outfit looks so much cooler than my t-shirt! you’d have to ask some kind of coolkid to get the precise increase in cool-ness but i think i am about 20% cooler now!
I told you, John! Long sleeves make you look totally hot!!!!!!!!
thanks! though i feel like this outfit looks kind of familiar somehow…
You’re clearly just...
4 tags
CD and DD: Begin your motto
Do you have to? Oh yeah. Part of the contract. Boss’s orders. Before you can do anything dastardly you have to recite the damn motto. OK, let’s get this over with. Prepare for trouble. … Prepare for trouble. … This is hopeless.
She’s gone anyways, so even if you could get through the motto without CD forgetting his lines, it’s not like you would be able...
